Road Tripping with a 2 Year Old

We did it. Over 12 hours in a car in a 72 hour period. And guess what? It was pleasant. So for all you naysayers who told me it could not be done, alas, it can and was.

We went to Montreal for the long weekend to visit family. It was really important to us to go, and we’d been putting it off for months (sometimes out of fear, sometimes due to sickness). We needed a car to get around, so we opted to drive instead of take the train or fly. I’ve been crazy anxious about it now for quite some time. O often says “I wanna get out” after 10 minutes in the car, so I had visions of 6 hours straight of screaming and tantrums, but she didn’t have a single one. I guess I don’t give her enough credit, because she was an angel. She slept in a pack and play (!!!) for 12 hours straight each night, and handled being car-bound like a champ.

Here are some of the strategies that I found particularly helpful in making for an easy trip.

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Dear Frozen, how did two year olds take car trips before you?

Using the iPad for movies. O watched Frozen on the way there, and Finding Nemo on the way back (with some more Frozen sprinkled in for good measure). This kept her occupied intermittently for up to two hours, and also helped her fall asleep.

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Praying to the nap gods. Many people say to have lunch and leave afterwards during nap time, so that you can ensure they sleep. That being said, we left at 9 am on the way there, and O still slept (albeit from 11:30-12:30 which is *not* normal nap time). On the way home we left at nap time, and once again she only slept an hour. I guess that’s her car nap threshold. But it was okay, because she was still in good spirits regardless.

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All. The. Snacks. O has an affinity for Starbucks breakfast sandwiches, and this one kept her occupied for a good 30 minutes. Warning: 12 hours of car snacking in a brand new car is bound to leave it disgusting. Bring wipes, buy a seat protector (whoops didn’t do that one), hell, bring a dustbuster.

I also recommend some cheap new toys, colouring books and those markers that only work on special paper, and TONS of stickers.

Frequent stops are also a must. We stopped 3 times each way (every 2 hours), for pee breaks and to run around. Initially we wanted O to wear diapers and not worry about this whole potty training thing, but the stubborn bat refuses to wear them. So we put her in pull ups, and every couple of hours, daddy (her requested pee buddy) would take her to the bathroom. We also chose our rest stops strategically. We went to McDonalds to play in their indoor play area (shudder, yes, but necessary), and one rest stop we went to had an outdoor playground. She had to exert some energy, and this worked well for us all.

Lastly, I would consider a shit ton of Gravol. If you’re like me, and get car sick, you’ll need it. I refused to sit in the back with O, but some moms like to do this I guess. For me, it was easier to just pass her stuff from the front. Well, my strategy backfired, because I think I spent more time turning backwards than actually facing forwards. Barf city. This is probably the biggest sacrifice I’ve made, but it kept her happy and quiet, and that was a parenting win.

So yes, parents of toddlers who are avoiding long car rides out of fear, I get it. But I promise you it’s not as bad as you anticipate. It’s a lot of work, but you’ll be thrilled once you reach your destination.

Also, this post has been entirely too positive, so allow me to end on this note. I go back to work tomorrow. I hate you all. XO

“She’s Not a Baby Anymore.”

Yesterday I was with a friend who has a two year old son (one that is going to marry O, but that’s a whole other blog post). I was telling her how nice his “big boy” room was, and she asked when I’m going to make O’s big girl bedroom with a bed instead of a crib. My answer was “soon,” but in my head I was actually saying, “Maybe when she’s five? Never? Cribs FO LYFE!” I don’t get the point of rushing this, since she’s never tried to escape, and she sleeps so well every night. I don’t want to rock the boat. But my friend encouraged me to do it sooner rather than later and reminded me that O isn’t a baby anymore and needs her independence. She’s wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. O is totally a baby. And we have to tread lightly with her and transition her to kid-dom step by step. Luckily, we have a plan. It goes:

1. Potty train

2. Big girl bed

3. Operation toss pacis

Potty training has been going swimmingly. I didn’t read anything prior to starting it, and I just followed O’s cues. She’s always hated the feeling of poop in her diaper, so the first few times we put her on the potty, that’s what we got. Apparently we’re lucky she started with that, because a lot of toddlers are hesitant to do anything but pee on the potty at first. Anyway, once she got proficient with that, peeing on the potty came pretty naturally. My daughter is extremely motivated by chocolate. So much so, that every time I tell someone she’s potty trained, and she’s within ear shot, she tells them “I get chocolate.” Parenting fail! Please don’t judge me. At home, she now wears Pull Ups. I’m scared to go the full underwear route, because we *have* had accidents. Also, she doesn’t go to the preschool room at daycare until next week, which is where they use the potty, so we’re not 100% there. Until she’s using the potty and not diapers at daycare, there’s no point putting her in underwear. Lastly, I have no idea how to go about night training. Do people wait on that? If anyone has some advice, I’m all ears. In any event, I’m super proud of her for the day training that she essentially did herself.

Our plan for the big girl bed is to wait until I get pregnant (if I get pregnant). We’ll give her ample time to get used to the bed before the baby comes. I think that’s reasonable, but no, we’re not in a rush, and being reminded of her age and independence is not incentive to move her earlier.

My biggest fear is getting rid of the paci. O still sleeps with one and loves to use it around the house. She doesn’t have one at daycare and we don’t let her bring it out anywhere. I recently took her to the dentist, and he told me to get rid of it by 3, but also that he can usually tell which kids use them by looking at their bite, and he couldn’t tell O used one until I told him. So ultimately this will be our last step out of babyhood, and it’ll happen around 3. In the meantime, I limit it as much as I can and I’ve already started planting the “paci fairy comes to take them away and leaves you a big present” seeds so she’s well prepared. O does well with a lot of advanced warning.

So there you have it. Our three-step “she’s not a baby anymore” plan. Feel free to weigh in and tell me all the different ways I’m ruining my child. XO

Daydreaming about Newborns

I’ve been terribly bored this summer (at least during the latter half). O has been in daycare, the weather has been shitty (Augtober, wtf), and there are only so many times you can lunch with the same 5 friends. All this spare time has left me with nothing but my own thoughts, and we all know that spells trouble.

Confession: All day I dream about newborns.

I want to be pregnant again in the worst way. I’m mad jealous of all my preggo friends literally every pregnant woman I see. I want to go through labour and delivery all over again. I want to give O a sibling so badly it hurts. I am literally consumed 24/7 with thoughts of a new baby. I want to feel all those awful pregnancy symptoms so hard, I want to nurse again even though it was a treacherous 6 months, and I want to experience the sleeplessness that is caused because a tiny infant is dependent on you, not because your mind be cray cray despite the fact your 2 year old sleeps 12 hours a night without a peep. None of this is normal considering I hated pregnancy, I hated the post-partum emotions, and I certainly didn’t love the newborn stage the first time around.

I won’t get into too many details about our current situation, but I will say this. We aren’t actively trying right now, but we do have a plan. I will leave it at that, and end off with a picture of a preggo Rachel Bilson because she is the epitome of knocked up gorg. Obsessed.

 Exclusive... Pregnant Rachel Bilson Goes Shopping

(Photo Source)

Kids Say the Darndest Things Part Two

Can I just say that so far I am *loving* two? The last few months have been pretty hard as O loves to test boundaries and can be pretty defiant, but I honestly think so much good comes with the hardship of having a two year old. Every day O learns more words. She speaks in full sentences and 9 times out of 10, these sentences crack me the eff up. Here is just a small sample of what comes out of her mouth. *Yes I do fully realize that you have your own kids who say funny things, therefore you may not appreciate these the way I do.*

Last week I picked her up from daycare, and brought her a new toy. It’s a purse with keys, a cell phone, a debit card, lipstick, etc., and she is OBSESSED. The first thing she did was take out the cell phone, put it to her ear, and say, “Hello Jennifer [her daycare teacher]? Mommy crazy!” Gee, I wonder who taught her to say that?

While out in our backyard the other evening, our neighbor was outside as well, doing sit ups and push ups. She walked right over to the fence as close to him as possible, and said, “Neighbor funny!” And then proceeded to make monkey noises at him.

The other night, O was running around the house diaper free while I  made her bath. I trust her to do this most nights because she’s really great at using the potty and has decent control of her bodily functions. Or so I thought. She comes to get me in the bathroom, and says, “Mommy, carpet. I pee on it.” Sure enough, I follow her into the room, and yep…she peed on the floor. Ah well. The upside of this is at least she can communicate what she did, right? Ain’t no shame.

Lately she’s been really into dresses. Recently, I put a dress on her and she said “I ballerina” and proceeded to spin around in circles.

She also really likes to play in my makeup case. Again, I trust her with this one because she’s great at just pretending to apply the makeup, not actually applying it. So I turned away for a few minutes and she comes up to me and says, “Mommy, I do lipstick.” She had smudged brown eyeliner ALL over her lips. It took several applications of makeup remover to get it off, and even later in the day, she still had a bit of a Hitler ‘stache situation going on.

If you Travel Without your Child(ren)

….just be aware they will 1. eat better, 2. sleep better, and 3. behave better during the four days with their grandparents than they ever have with you.

Also, be aware you will be go through many emotional stages, several of which I will outline for you right now.

Stage 1 – “WOOHOOOOOO!!!! Freedom!!!!!”

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During this stage, many airport selfies will ensue. You will be elated that your selfies are not being photobombed by a tiny little phone thief.

(Exhibit A:)

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Also during this stage, you will spend a lot of time planning all the things you’re going to do to be “not a mom.” These things may include drinking too much tequila and dressing promiscuously.

Stage 2 – Drinking too much tequila and dressing promiscuously.

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Mmmm…freedom. Tastes like too many tacos, more cocktails than your super low tolerance can handle, and then spending half the night in the fetal position trying not to hurl. #worthit

Stage 3 – “OMG. I really miss my kid.”

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For me, this one occurred when I was in Trader Joe’s. I was buying myself all my favourite treats (seaweed snacks, green juice, kale chips, all healthy of course. Not sure how that cookie butter or those smore’s got in there, it totally wasn’t my doing), when I realized, “Unless I eat these all now, I’m not gonna get to eat more than a bite from each once I get home.” And then I realized I was totally okay with that. I love sharing my snacks with O, and I couldn’t wait until I got home to share them with her. (For the record, she polished off 3/4 of that bag of kale chips last night and I’m really regretting not buying more.) I think sharing food is one of my favourite aspects of being a mom to be perfectly honest.

Stage 4 – She’s EVERYWHERE.

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At this stage, you will talk about your child incessantly. You will ask your parents or in-laws for pictures every five minutes. You will see their name on signs, and you will want to go home just to hug your baby. Fun…over.

Stage 5 – This isn’t okay.

This one won’t occur for everyone. Just us, because we have perpetually shitty luck. This stage goes down after your flight is canceled due to bad weather (yes, weather cancels flights in effing August), and you sleep in a bed-bug infested (just speculatin’) airport Sheraton, because you can’t get another flight for more than 24 hours. Your heart hurts, your anxiety is in peak form, and with every hour your new flight is delayed (3 in total), you shed several more bucketfuls of tears. #notworthit

Stage 6 – Reunited and it feels so good.

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Having your child run into your arms screaming “You’re home” is maybe the best feeling in the world. Scratch that. It is the best feeling in the world. Please believe me when I say that 1. I am never traveling by airplane again, and 2. I am never leaving my kid again.

Happy 2nd Birthday, O!

Because it’s not official until it’s ALL over the Internet and social media.

My baby girl turned 2 today.

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(Yes, I do let my kid play in ballpits. I ain’t afraid of no gonorrhea or whatever those things are contaminated with.)

Basically there was a lot of cake eating, a lot of playing with friends, a lot of great presents, and the very best part, NO fever. It would seem the birthday gods were shining down on us, because this was the first time she didn’t get one like clockwork, and I’m so elated, I don’t even have the words right now. Greatest day EVER.

Celebrity Parents are the Worst.

It’s been a while since I’ve judged celebrity parents. Let’s do this!

siiiiiiiickpmk

Oh Kris Jenner. You are literally the worst. I am beyond embarrassed for you. Having body parts the same age as your children does not = being the same age as your children. You are old and terrifying and please stop trying to live vicariously through your daughters. I simply cannot condone your behavior anymore. At first it was a little bit endearing. Like, I get it. You’re separated now or divorced or whatever, and you want to feel sexy and get some attention. But there are just too many photos now, and we can’t unsee what we’ve seen and it just needs to stop. Yes, your daughters are hot, but no, you are not one of them.

princegeorgebutterly2

“OMG OMG OMG Can you believe the Prince turned 1?” Yes, yes I can. What I can’t believe is there are tricks out there that give a shit. Remind me why I need to care? I looked at this photo and I actually fell asleep. Like literally actually closed my eyes and was in full REM sleep. I’m so bored of all this vanilla. So. Much. Vanilla. And those overalls? I can’t. Baldness…butterflies…boring. Yawn. Wake me up when this isn’t a thing anymore.

Blue-Ivy-walking

Aaaaand this. Queen Bey posted this on her Instagram after rumors began to circulate about her and Jay Z separating. I can’t hate because I love the girl, and I’m actually rooting for her little family, but haven’t these people heard of nursemaid’s elbow? You’re gonna dislocate BIC’s joint right out of its socket if you do that. XO, your fan, a paranoid Jewish mother.