Ahoy hoy! Did you miss me? Probably not.
But one of my two readers did ask me lately why I haven’t done much blogging. The first part of the answer is simple. I’m just too damn busy. Between parenting, marking massive grade 12 assignments, and doing midterm reports, I barely had time to wipe my ass, let alone blog (sorry if that was graphic. No I’m not). The other reason is just a general lack of inspiration. If I blogged in the last two weeks it would have been the standard litany of parenting a 20 month old; more illness, defiance, a sleep regression, and a massive explosion in language development. Yawn city.
BUUUUUUUT, I saw this article today, and I got all sorts of inspired. O’s 2nd birthday is rapidly approaching, and conveniently my favourite homegirl Gwynnie threw a party for Banana or Jesus or whichever one is the boy. I want to take all the lessons from her on how to make this O’s best (read: second) birthday shindig yet.
So apparently the party took place in her backyard. Now that she’s a struggling single mom, bitch has to be economical. Supposedly there was a giant bouncy house. I refuse to believe this. First of all, that is fun, and Gwyneth don’t *do* fun. Second of all, is that not a major liability? I hope she had neck braces on hand just in case one of her kids’ hire-a-friends face planted. I mean really, Gwyneth. Are you that doped up on Xanax from your conscious uncoupling that you failed to think about the risk associated with that? Or did someone remove the stick from your ass recently (but only temporarily of course)?
Also, the article asserts that she served….wait for it…HOT DOGS with FRITOS! No effing way. I think the article forgot to ask the specific details of said hot dogs with fritos. The hot dogs were 100% organic seitan with no filler or bi-product, and the “bun” was spelt and amaranth. The “fritos” were not actually corn chips (Um, hello Monsanto!), but were made of quinoa and lentils. Bitch straight up lied to the press!
Lastly, the party goers left with t-shirts with customized airbrush designs. Aren’t airbrushes toxic? Like, for the environment and for the people inhaling them? Now I’m officially convinced that the Xanax done changed her. I give this party a D-, the D standing for DANGEREFFINGOUS. I don’t approve of a single aspect of it, nor did it give me any viable ideas for O’s 2nd birthday. I guess we’ll go to McDonalds and play in the playground there (hope we don’t get diphtheria), and eat Happy Meals. Cuz pretty sure that plan is still a billion times more safe than her party. Hate her. Always and forever.